Prepare for devastation

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen review

Fuck this movie.

Okay, that’s a little harsh.  I have to give Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen some credit for what it does right: technically, it fulfills all the criteria for being an actual film: it’s a series of moving pictures with an audio track, and it has a beginning, a middle, and an end.  So yeah, at least it has that going for it.

Seriously, all joking aside, this is a pretty terrible excuse for a movie.  I know saying that on the internet right now is a guaranteed way to get the Transformers fanboy mafia to blacklist you, but honestly, it’s the truth.

Now, I love Transformers; anyone who’s been to my house can tell you that every shelf, every flat surface I have is covered with Transformers figures.  I’m not a single minded Generation 1 purist either; I loved Beast Wars, liked Animated, and hell, I even enjoyed the original live action movie.

But to those Transformers fans who are ardently defending this movie as though every negative review were somehow a personal attack, I have but one question to ask you:  Is this film, with it’s myriad of stupid, insipid problems, how you, as a supposed fan of the Transformers franchise, want Transformers to be remembered?  Because this movie is  how Transformers is being presented to main stream audiences; they’re not going to associate the name with a wacky, kitchsky 80’s cartoon, the comics,  or even with the continuing toy line.  They’re going to associate it with this movie: this juvenille, offensive, non-sensical, incomprehensible, racist, poorly written, poorly directed piece of trash.

I will admit that the movie does have it’s moments, such as the forest battle between Optimus Prime and the Decepticons, but outside of a few, isolated scenes, I’d say that a good ninety-percent of the movie is nigh unwatchable.  From the stupidity of Sam’s mom on pot brownies (like that joke hasn’t been done a million times before,) to the cliched, nerdy beaurucrat who tries to deport the Autobots off of the planet (who, [spoiler] by the way, is later proven correct by the final battle of the film, in which humans manage to kill most of the Decepticons with little help from the Autobots,) and most of all, the completely racist decision to make the Autobot twins into stupid, illiterate Black stereotypes, the film is almost a compilation of every insipid cliche you associate with bad summer blockbusters.

I enjoyed the original Transformers live action movie in 2007, despite it’s flaws, and defended it staunchly against all the haters, but this movie— this terrible, atrocious, crime against humanity— is simply indefensible.  To all the poor Transformers fans who have been duped into thinking that this film represents the future of the franchise that we love so dearly, all I have left to say is this:  This isn’t a loving, respectful reimagining of the franchise; Revenge of the Fallen is simply a hate filled insult to Transformers fans everywhere.  It’s a poorly written, poorly directed, poorly acted, barely coherent film that assumes that it’s audience is so stupid they’ll eat up whatever explosion filled tripe they spew out.

…And judging by this film’s box office numbers and the way fanboys so piously defend it, they may be right.

Godammit, Activision

Dear Activision, stop being a dick.  k thx.

Seriously.  I Know E3 is the place where videogame companies troll their competitors, but don’t take it out on Brutal Legend just cause nobody at the show is interested in Guitar Hero CXXIV or Tony Hawk’s Waggle.

E3 is here (raves & rants)

So the Big Three have finished with their press conferences and have thrown all their cards on the table, and here’s what I thought of all of today and yesterday’s announcements:

Motion controls (possibly) start to not suck-

With the unveiling of Project Natal, Sony’s Eyetoy Wand, and another showcase of Nintendo’s Wii Motion Plus, it seems like motion controls are finally starting to evolve beyond the half-assed waggle of the last few years and finally deliver on the 1:1 immersive controls that were originally promised when the Wii was first rolled out.

Now, if you watch the videos, its obvious that both Natal and the Eyetoy Wand have some problems, but with both products being early in development, their development teams have plenty of time to iron those issues out.

It’s kind of strange that Nintendo, the company that created and popularized motion controls in games, actually now has the least accurate interface for motion controls.  Kudos to Nintendo for originally thinking of the idea, but honestly, they really dropped the ball in terms of execution, and now it seems like Microsoft and Sony are ready to capitalize on Nintendo’s complacency.  While Wii Motion Plus sounds like a step closer to what was originally promised with the Wii, it still seems far behind what Microsoft and Sony are promising with their motion controllers.  Natal and the Eyetoy Wand are both at least a year or two away from release, so if Nintendo wants to keep up with them, they better stop counting their money and realize that Wii Fit and Imagine Babyz aren’t going to be enough to keep them on top for much longer.

Super Mario Galaxy 2 & the Team Ninja developed Metroid -

…Now that I’m done shitting on Nintendo, they do deserve some praise for what they got right— Getting back (at least in some capacity,) to making the games that earned them a fanbase in the first place, Mario and Metroid.  The original Super Mario Galaxy is the best 3D platformer ever, and a sequel, even if it’s more of the same, is a brilliant idea and I’ll be there to buy it on release day.  Seriously, Super Mario Galaxy was the perfectly prepared foie gras of gaming, and more of the same is perfectly fine with me.

Meanwhile, the now Itagaki-less Team Ninja developed Metroid looks promising, at least judging from the gameplay shown in the trailer.  Good job on that front, Nintendo… Now where’s my new Wii Zelda game?

I Love You, Hideo Kojima -

Now, I only have a passing interest in Metal Gear.  Personally, I prefer Kojima’s other series’, Zone of the Enders and Boktai, to Metal Gear, but hey, that’s a matter of personal preference.

I don’t love Kojima because he announced a new Metal Gear.  I love him because he announced that the new MGS is multiplatform, thus creating a legion of butthurt Sony fanboys who can’t stand the fact that more people besides them will be able to play MGS now.  Boo hoo.

Hey bro, more Halo -

Obviously, Halo is Microsoft’s cash cow, and they obviously won’t let the franchise sleep. I personally don’t see a problem with that, as the trailer for ODST shows that Bungie is commited to keeping the quality of the games up.  The barely-there teaser for Halo: Reach (apparently a prequel to the original game) was kind of disappointing, but I suppose they didn’t want to draw any attention away from ODST, which looks to be trying new things with the gameplay and narrative.  After a misstep with the mediocre RTS spin-off Halo Wars, its comforting to see the original developers back on the franchise.

Videogame execs still say the same thing, every time -

“Hey guys.  (name of console here) continues to be a market leader, providing games for everyone.  (name of console) is the future of gaming and is changing the face of entertainment as we speak. Blah, blah, blah, have a good E3.”

E3 is now Facebook Expo -

The fact that Facebook was mentioned in both Microsoft’s and Nintendo’s press events in some capacity is kind of strange.  Personally, I have no use for Facebook access through any of my consoles or DS, as my PC is located right next to the t.v. that all my consoles are hooked up to, but I guess having Facebook access on your t.v. is cool if you’re weird and too lazy to turn on your PC and hate typing on an actual interface thats good for typing.

Other games that looked interesting (that I’m too lazy to write about) -

Alan Wake, Assassin’s Creed 2, Rock Band: Beatles, No More Heroes 2, New Super Mario Bros. Wii, Silent Hill: Shattered Memories, Golden Sun DS, new Shiren the Wanderer,The Last Guardian, Uncharted 2, Final Fantasy XIII, and new Monkey Island.

E3 is coming up (rant)

E3 is looming, and while I’m sure all the new product announcements and game reveals will keep me glued to sites like Kotaku and 1up, I kind of wish those sites would turn off user comments for the duration of the event; while E3 is meant to be a demonstration of what the game industry can offer, it’s also a demonstration of how utterly retarded gaming fanboys can be.

Every year, it’s the same schtick; regardless of what’s announced (or not announced, in Nintendo’s case,) every asshole fanboy on the internet immediately starts proclaiming that “their” system is now the greatest, will win the console war, that their company’s press conference somehow “won E3,” and that everything not associated with a certain system is somehow automatically terrible.

So, before you go on the internet and start some rant about how some game that you’ve never played (a game that was probably announced fifteen minutes ago,) is now the greatest/worst thing ever, please, think about what you’re saying, take your Aspergers medicine, and keep your fanboy, console war crap where it belongs— On the GameFAQs message boards.

Meanwhile, people with I.Q.’s higher than the double digits should look forward to lots of interesting announcements and news.  Remember, it’s fine to get excited and hyped up, or even be jaded and skeptical, but please, judge games on their own merit rather than making retarded blanket statements about certain systems or companies.

tl;dr version - Don’t be a twat.  That is all.

Hell yeah, new NMH2 trailer

The original No More Heroes was the best third party Wii game— yes, that’s a low bar, considering 99% of all third party Wii games aren’t worth the plastic they’re printed on, but even when compared to games on other systems, No More Heroes is simply one of the most unique, hilarious, and downright brilliant games to ever be released.

The sequel, No More Heroes: Desperate Struggle, due out early next year for the Wii, looks to even better: improved graphics, dual light saber based gameplay, a schoolgirl who’s flute transforms into a Darth Maul-esque lightsaber, even more gratuitous use of the word “fuck,” and even more premature ejaculation jokes.

Needless to say, I’m a big fan of the original game, and this new trailer already has my gaming smegma flowing.

um, what?

Today Sega announced their newest Sonic spin-off, Sega All-Stars Racing, in which Sonic & company race each other… using go-karts.

Um, correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t Sonic supposed to be faster than any car?  Why don’t they just make another Sonic foot racing game, like Sonic R?  Sure, it had it’s problems, but at least it made sense.

Stupid premise aside, I’m sure it’ll still be better than any of the recent “Sonic Riders” games.

The Things I Love, pt. 4: Macross

Mention the words “Japanese anime” to someone and chances are the first three things they’ll think of are giant robots beating the shit out of each other, tentacles raping schoolgirls, and cheesy, overly sweet J-Pop.

Thankfully (or regretfully, depending on how much of a pervert you are,) somebody made an anime combining two of those things, and the result was Super Dimension Fortress Macross.  Equal parts mecha combat, soap opera, and musical, Macross is one of the few anime franchises that has something for everyone.

The original Macross was revolutionary when it originally appeared; along with the original Mobile Suit Gundam, Macross was among the first mecha anime to take place in a rational, sci-fi world, rather than the over the top, almost fantasy based “super mecha” shows that dominated anime before it.  While it certainly had it’s fantastical elements (fighting aliens with pop music,) it did it’s best to explain it’s world in a logical, reasonable way, and it’s characters were likable, relatable, and far more realistic than any cartoon character that had appeared before.  Macross heralded a new era of animation: rather than just being something for kids, Macross targeted an older, more mature audience, helping to establish anime as a legitimate platform for storytelling.

While the original Macross revolutionized storytelling in anime, it certainly didn’t skimp on the action either; Macross set a new standard for animation quality, with intricately choreographed battles that had hundreds of ships, robots, and missiles dancing through the air at once, establishing the kinetic pace and sense of grace that all action anime, even to this day, continue to strive for.

Then there was the music, which was arguably even more memorable than the storyline or the space battles.  Macross was the show that originally introduced the concept of music being as integral to an anime as the writing or the art.  Without Macross, anime with strong musical influences, such as K-On, Beck, FLCL, or even things like Cowboy Bebop wouldn’t exist.

The original SDF Macross t.v. series was followed up by Super Dimension Fortress Macross: Do You Remember Love, a threatrical release that reinterpretted, condensed, and reanimated the original t.v. series into a 2 hour epic.  Do You Remember Love is still to this day considered one of the greatest animated movies of all time, and despite advances made in animation over the last twenty years, it still holds up as one of the best looking hand drawn films ever made:

Eventually, the original Macross storyline was followed up by Macross Plus, a big budget, straight to video miniseries that continued the original Macross storyline.  Just as the original Macross revolutionized animation techniques in it’s day, Macross Plus was one of the first animated films to make use of new CG technology, resulting in some of the most elaborate dogfights to ever be seen on film:

Following Macross Plus was Macross 7 which was… strange to say the least.  Taking the original show’s concept of music as a weapon to an extreme, Macross 7’s central character, Nekki Basara, piloted his mecha by playing the guitar.  Ironically enough, Macross 7’s outlandish story and characters had more in common with the super robot shows of the 70’s than they do with the original Macross, which sought to get away from those tropes.  Overall, Macross 7 isn’t good in the tradtional sense, but it’s worth watching, if only for the completely ridiculous, over the top soundtrack:

The franchise lay dormant for awhile, but was eventually brought back to life in 2003 with the mostly forgettable Macross Zero, a prequel to the original show.  However, Macross Zero was merely the prelude for Macross Frontier, the newest series in the franchise, released in conjuction with the 25th anniversary of the launch of the original show, and designed to be the ultimate evolution of the Macross franchise:

Macross Frontier takes everything about the original show and kicks it up a couple notches: the space battles and musical numbers are even more elaborate, and Macross Frontier takes all the anime cliches that the original show helped to establish and turns them on their head, resulting in something that manages to pay homage to the original while at the same time becoming something new that can stand on it’s own merits.

For the past 25 years, Macross has been integral in establishing trends not just for anime, but for video games, comics, sci-fi movies, and pop culture in general; Macross’ influence is just as far reaching as Star Wars or Batman. With Frontier wrapping up, it’ll be interesting to see where the Macross franchise goes from here

Battle for the Cowl review

Last week the third and final issue of Battle for the Cowl was released, bringing to an end the story of Bruce Wayne’s apparent death and the rise of his successor.

(spoilers ahead:)

The title “Battle for the Cowl” doesn’t just represent how Gotham turns into a warzone following Batman’s disappearance, but it also represents the battling ideologies of Bruce Wayne’s sidekicks; Initially, Dick Grayson refuses to take up the mantle of Batman, believing that no one can take Bruce’s place. Conversely, Tim Drake believes that Gotham needs a Batman, and that the only person capable of taking up the cowl is Dick.  Further complicating things are the return of Jason Todd, who not only believes that Gotham needs a Batman (and that he is the rightfully heir to the name,) but that Batman should stop criminals at any cost— even through means such as murder and torture.

Overall, it was an interesting event, albeit an event that was a tad predictable; the story ends with Dick Grayson defeating Jason and realizing that Gotham does in fact need Batman to protect it, and that he bears the responsiblity of taking the job.  It’s a predictable finale, and one that everyone expected, considering that Dick Grayson was the only real choice to succeed Bruce out of the three candidates; obviously, Tim Drake is still too young to become Batman, and Jason Todd is too homicidal to take up the mantle.

The series does leave a lot of unanswered questions however; it’s never fully explained what happened to Bruce, and the subplot involving Black Mask unifiying most of Gotham’s villains under his control never really goes anywhere.

As for the art, Battle for the Cowl mostly delivers, with clean, emotive art and easy to follow action scenes.  However, the art in the final issue seems a little less polished, and is drawn a bit sloppier, possibly due to a rushed schedule.  It’s not bad by any means, but it’s certainly noticable when you read all 3 issues back to back.

But despite those flaws, Battle for the Cowl is worth reading, if only to witness the end of one era and the beginning of a new one for Batman.  While I’m sure Bruce Wayne’s death is just the set up for another Hal Jordan/Barry Allen style Rebirth story, it’ll be interesting to see what D.C. does with Batman in the meantime.

Now, if you excuse me, I’m gonna go pour a Corona out on the curb for Bruce Wayne.

WTF Wolverine?!

Before watching X-Men Origins: Wolverine, I was told that it was a mindless summer popcorn flick, and that to truly enjoy it, I would have to turn my brain off and not question the plot, and simply enjoy all the fights and pretty special effects.

The thing is, I can’t turn my brain off… And I can’t help but question the sheer absurdity and, well, outright stupidity of some of the events that happened in that movie.  While the fights were fun, my enjoyment of the movie was hindered by all the questions this movie raised. The top five questions that come to mind are:

(spoilers ahead)

1. WTF Adamantium Bullet?! - Okay, so apparently, according to the film, an adamantium bullet is the only thing that can penetrate Wolverine’s healing factor and adamantium skeleton.  Uh, okay, I’m willing to believe that.  But the fact that it’s introduced in the scene right after Wolverine kills Zero (a villain with the power of being super accurate with guns,) makes me wonder, “Why didn’t they give the Wolverine-killing bullet to the gun expert guy they just sent to kill Wolverine?”

2. Why do the rednecks in Canada have southern accents? - After quitting Stryker’s team of mutants, Wolverine goes into hiding in rural Canada.  Okay, that’s fine.  But why does everyone in the bar that Wolverine fights Victor in have a southern accent?  Isn’t Canada to the north of the United States?

3. Why doesn’t Cyclops remember any of this? - This movie is set in the same continuity as the original Bryan Singer X-Men movies.  So why does Cyclops in X-Men 1 not remember meeting Wolverine or Sabertooth, if he ran into both of them in this movie?  Yes, Cyclops was blind when he met Wolverine, but you think one of the other kids rescued at the same time would’ve mentioned something to him about a guy with adamantium claws rescuing them from the facility.  Also, Sabertooth fucking tackles Cylcops, causing him to burn his school down.  You’d think he would’ve remembered that when he ran into him again in X-Men 1.

4. WTF alien baby Patrick Stewart!? - Professor X’s cameo at the end of this movie would’ve been cool if he didn’t look like a CG generated alien baby.  Why did they choose to use special effects to artificially make Stewart look younger?  He barely looks any older now than he did when Star Trek: The Next Generation came out.  Also: Why did it take Prof. X so long to find the location of the hidden mutant containment facility?  You’d think his Cerebro tracking system, which is designed to track mutants, would be able to pinpoint where dozens of mutants were being held captive in an instant.  I mean, Stryker’s plan was obviously running for at least a few years, so you’d think Prof. X, being psychic and all, would’ve found out about it a little sooner.

5. WTF Deadpool?! - Eh, this one’s too easy.  If you’ve read the comics, you probably understand why the Deadpool in the movie is not even vaguely like the Deadpool in the comics, which makes you wonder why they named the movie character “Deadpool” in the first place.  Oh well.

Mirror’s Edge review

I love platformers.  Mario, Sonic, Crash— these are the names I associate with videogaming.  The genre has fallen out of favor with most of the gaming community lately, with Super Mario Galaxy and Klonoa being the only retail platformers to come out within the last few years that were actually worth playing, but despite that, it’s still my favorite genre.  Whether I’m playing something as brilliant as Mario 64 or Sonic 2, or even cookie-cutter, mediocre games like Blinx or Dr. Muto, if it involves running, jumping, and occasionally spin attacking some enemy, chances are I’m enjoying it.

Which is why I was so excited for Mirror’s Edge.  Mirror’s Edge seemed like a platformer for the modern era: It seemed like it would take the classic “hop & bop” gameplay that I grew up with and apply it to a more marketable, realistic, “grittier” setting, infuse the gameplay with some parkour inspired flair, and make platformers relevant again.

Sadly, Mirror’s Edge is another example of a game with a brilliant concept but questionable execution.

It makes a good first impression though; the graphics are clean and detailed, and the art direction (other than the questionable character designs,) is superb.  Despite being in a first person perspective, the controls work well for platforming, and within minutes you’ll be doing all sorts of parkour-inspired wall runs and leaps.

However, once you get past the first level, things quickly fall apart.  The biggest issue with Mirror’s Edge is the level design.  The game is supposed to invoke the feeling of free running, giving players the feeling of acrobatically flowing from one obstacle to the next, using the city as a sort of acrobatic playground.

The key words there are “supposed to,” because instead of being the action packed, free form, flowing platformer it’s supposed to be, Mirror’s Edge ends up a slow paced pixel hunt due to obtuse, sometimes downright retarded level design.  You’re often forced to search huge areas, or even back track, to find some small switch or climbable surface you missed in order to continue.  The game’s focus is supposed to be on parkour, and parkour is all about using your wits and creativity to navigate an environment.  In Mirror’s Edge, it’s more about aimlessly wandering around the environment until you figure out the specific sequence of actions that the developers want you to do.  A strategy guide or GameFAQS is almost a requirement if you want to beat this game.

Then there’s the combat.  The worst part to an already disappointing game, the only thing clumsier than Mirror’s Edge’s level designs are the fights against enemies.  Early in the game, it isn’t too much of a problem, since you’re rarely forced to fight most enemies.  Near the end of the game however, Mirror’s Edge starts to confuse itself with Halo and throws enemies at you in waves.  This wouldn’t be so bad if the combat wasn’t so based around trial and error: enemies in the later levels can pretty much kill you with one or two shots, so combat becomes less about skill and reaction times and more about figuring out, yet again, what specific actions the developer wanted you to do.  Even when you figure out what you’re supposed to be doing, the combat controls still feel awkward and forced. Your basic attack is a 3 hit melee combo that takes too long and is impossible to cancel out of, and weapon aiming is loose and inaccurate.  Too put it simply, the combat in this game is completely broken, and you’re forced to play a lot of it.

Mirror’s Edge was supposed to be the modern interpretation of the platformer genre.  In some ways, I suppose you could say they succeeded, in that Mirror’s Edge is a lot like the modern Sonic game; for every ten minutes of genuine fun you have, there’s an hour of frustration and boredom.  Mirror’s Edge does have it’s moments where everything just clicks and the game is genuinely fun, but those moments are few and far between.  Mirror’s Edge was an interesting experiment, but the results are disappointing to say the least.  Pass on this one.

1 of 5
Themed by: Hunson